Thursday, October 18, 2007

Every day is your last! Now go enjoy a peaceful sleep.

*written this morning*

I finally got a good night sleep last night. Well, this morning as I just woke up for the second time.

Woke up the first time around 8am with K gently kicking my leg and saying "you're late" in a slight whisper. I was pleasantly surprised to be able to say, "No hon, I don't work til late" and have her pull the blankets further back over her as I went to get a drink of water.

I returned and my mind started to go just like it has for weeks on end; 1000 miles a minute, without focus on whatever 'problems' it sees looming in the future.

It has been a terrible time but I'm told that that's what comes with my 'condition'. Let me explain:

In case you didn't know, I'm a substitute teacher and therefore subject to constant change. Change in the location of the school, the content topic, the population of the students, the whole thing. As she puts it, I start a new job almost every day.

Can you imagine starting a new job every day? The anxiety, the hope of it going well, the unknowing of what's truly to come, .. you get the point. It's torture. and it's daily!

Now I'm a strong person. Physically, I'm a triathlete. Mentally, I know all the psychological tricks. Hell, I've been sleeping for 31 years, you'd like to think I have it down by now.
But no breathing techniques, workout regimes, dietary changes...have made a dent in how I've slept.

Once a week I see my 'shrink' and we try to figure out WTF is going on, but usually these sessions don't leave me with much. It's truly a sad state of affairs.

I'm left exhausted but without the ability to truly rest. No rest = higher anxiety. Higher anxiety = lesser chance of me getting a good night sleep. A vicious cycle of insanity ensues.

Welcome to Hell, Ladies and Gentlemen. I'll be your tour guide.


**Good Luck to the Sox tonight!!**

4 comments:

Madame M. said...

Oh man, that's rough. Good luck to you and I hope that you can get a FT position at a school soon, if that is what you want.

honeykbee said...

Maybe consider switching to another team? That might help some of the anxiety.

=*

Anonymous said...

I think its the ManRAM Fantasies that are keeping you awake... Sleeping between him and Big Poppi and being there little Popcicle...

honeykbee said...

i agree with anonymous

 
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