Saturday, March 31, 2007

Drugs, Goals, Chewing Gum

Welcome to Spring Break. Or so they would have you think.....

After such a fucking long-ass week of frustrations which I won't get into, it's nice to have the weekend but like most breaks from the action, I find myself a bit out of sorts already. See, I'm one that needs to make a plan for himself. Even if I don't stick to it, given my love for doing whatever I want, whenever I want. The 'plan' usually gives me a list to go from if I find myself lacking in things to do or options or mostly because I've kept myself from making friends.

Even last night I kept myself from making friends by skipping a new poker game, opting for a friend's house instead. I just got way too anxious to head out to a new dude's place with no back-up. See, I'm messing around with my meds.

I've been on a mix of anti-depressants over the years but have found one I like: Welbutrian

**breaking news: My TiVo just decided to work. Lord knows how, but it Just found my wireless and recommended I watch Stargate.....whatever the hell that is -thumbs down-**

So anyway, the anti-depressant search is over for now, but I what I am messing with is the xanax-type product I take on a "as needed" basis. Sometimes I take more, sometimes I take less.
Lately, I've been trying to take less. Not that there hasn't been the same amount of bullshit as usual, but the less I can take of the other, the more I can learn to deal with life as it truly is and not just how I'd like it to be.

The pills are wonderful helpers but they can be psychologically addicting in its "high" or really its ability for the taker to just feel 'normal' and not have their heart feel like its going to lub dub DUB out of their chest. It helps to allow the user to perceive that things are 'ok' around them. It's wonderful to have some calm amongst the real life stresses. Even if it's brief.

"You have buried you guilt with anger. I will teach you to confront you fear." -
Ra's Al Ghul

So here I sit on Spring Break and could be all kinds of relaxed as I have no outside obligations and no real schedule I have to keep. I'm finally free to get up when I want, sleep when I want, pick up the phone, turn it on mute, watch tv, listen to music, workout, stretch, shower as many times as I feel, paint, draw, grade papers, play cards, drive, clean, and even budget.

The last one is what inspired this entire post and I have BrunchBird to thank for it. So the list above along with some other things I need to think and list out for myself, will act as like a budget for my time: Something I probably need in order to keep my anxiety level down rather than getting crazy and feeling like I have nothing to do.

I say that at the top of my list should sit -Make New Friends- but I can't seem to find the desire past my own fear. So then I feel like a pussy, get down on myself and don't envoke my will to act.

So top of my list is: Confront and Conquer my Fear.

So the real question is, What is it that I fear?

"You always fear, what you don't understand" - Carmine Falcone

**btw, I'm trying to cut out smoking so I'll be chewing a lot of gum. More fun changes for my psychological instability. lol**


kris said...

It's wonderful to have some calm . . . even if it's brief.

I wish you continued calm. Wouldn't that be wonderful if we could all get there?


CreoleInDC said...

I'm glad you have some down time. NO SMOKING!

haveyouseenlucky said...

If you're having anxiety troubles, now might not be the best time to quit smoking, but then maybe you just want to get everything out of the way at once. I quit by limiting my smoking hours bit by bit to the point where I was only allowing myself to smoke for one hour of the day.

I've been on the absolute smallest dose of zoloft for the past two years. They tell me it doesn't actually do anything anymore besides stave off the withdrawl. I've heard really crappy things about welbutrin, but you're supposed to start taking that shit after you quit smoking.

Scott said...

Holy Bat-Cock Robin,

I can see your penis in those shorts!

Scott said...

P.S. Try reading "Instant Calm" .. it's a great book

Stacy said...

hiya. my turn to offer support and understanding. sorry things are rough. good for you for mixing it up and trying to get to a more "real" place without help. remember what you told me, we take drugs to be "normal" ... and experience all the emotions. why are you trying to give up the anti-anzxiety? if it works ....?
also, not to be all medical and jewish motherly, but, the smoking? isn't good for anxiety, because it shrinks bloods vessels causing some anxiety-type feelings and possibly pushing you to feel more anxious than you really are.
are you working out? i am. but i'm getting seriously hungry and have started eating a lot more, which means no weight loss, and a few pounds of gain. BAH.
email me ... i'm doing NOTHING at work so chances are i'll see it and write back right away. let me know if i can help in any way, as i really appreciated all the reaching out you did to me back in january.
also, i know the meds are different for everyone, but cymbalta? totally my miracle.

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