I have the biggest depression headache right and while I know that I haven't been taking in enough water, with all the shit that is going on in my life, I'm on the brink of a breakdown of some sort. What they will bring, I have no idea. I've been holding on to sanity for so long, I can't tell when I'll just break.
I know that because of the meds that I'm on, I won't drop to the ultimate bottom, but I'm so rediculously stressed on All fronts, that I'm having trouble keeping a single thought and therefore my brain is overloaded and hence, the headache that I've had for two days.
This certainly isn't something that's come on in the last two days and some would argue that it's something that has been going on for over 5 1/2 years, but I'm certainly more overloaded than I've ever been. Even the 'quack' I've been going to for over 15 years agrees. "I've never seen you with more things on your plate of such a priority and causing you to be under so much pressure and stress before." And he's seen me (and talked to me) when I was so down, I couldn't get outta bed. Literally! (I had the shakes a detox for like 2 days when coming off Paxil ---thank baby, for helping me through)
So what do I have to be so down about. It's not like I've been drafted for war. It's not like I'm dying. It's not like there is some crisis going on.
Oh wait. There is.
Situations that are in Priority One Alert status:
- My father (been in the ICU for 3 weeks and 1 day)
- My personal life (So much, It's hard to know where to begin)
- My schooling (with regards to my teaching certification)
- My job (or what job there is to have)
- Where I'm living/gonna live (and how I'm gonna pay for it)
- Anything having to do with money
- The holidays and the reminder of my Grandmother's death (1 year ago tommorrow)
- Oh yea. And my home computer is dead!! (I'm writing this at work. Great for the kids right?)
I won't get into much detail here as I'm on the school computer and they have the possibility to read anything I potentially read, but sufice to say....I deserve a day off or at least a hug and a good cry. (Real men cry too)
I'm not looking for someone to tell me it'll be alright because I just don't have much belief anymore. People can say whatever they want, but there are those few people in this world that I trust and believe without a shadow of a doubt.
I didn't say they'd always be there (Huff) but I can always trust. And those people know who they are and I will always love them.
Will be updated later as I have to run to a class, but I have a TON more to express.
Thursday, December 07, 2006